It's been a rough morning. One of my tenant's that "accidentally" failed to pay me July's rent agreed to be out by this past Sunday. Well, she's not out. And it's weird that she's not returning my calls. Or ever at home. WEIRD, I tell you. Needless to say, I'm a little pissed off about the situation and not in the best mood.
I'm debating on how to handle the situation when my inbox flashes and this brilliant suggestion comes in from Jess. Brilliant, I tell you, brilliant. Of course I think we should leave off the PS.
Dear L****,
The games you have been playing with the rent you owe Sarah have real consequences. As you know, Sarah’s job is to collect rent from people like you. When people (like you) don’t pay their rent, Sarah doesn’t get paid. I thought you should know that this month Sarah was trying to save up enough money to pay for a heart operation on her best buddy in the whole world- her dog Cooper. Cooper has stuck by Sarah through a lot of hard times, and was truly her best friend. Cooper worked at the hospital as a therapy dog and was loved by all the kids at Children’s Hospitals. He also “volunteered” to do search and rescue work when Boy Scouts got lost or little girls went missing. Thanks to your decision to stiff Sarah on the rent, and to not be moved out in time for her to rent the apartment in August, Cooper died today… still waiting for his surgery. Sarah was only $500 short of being able to pay for the operation. Cooper was just 5 years old.
I just thought you’d want to know that when you steal money from other people, it hurts. Sarah said she was going for coffee this morning and I haven’t seen her since. Now I have to go down to the hospital and tell the kids that Cooper won’t be coming in today.
-Sarah’s husband,
Jess
R.I.P.
PS- I made this up. You stupid, lying thief.
Oh man, that is good. If your tenant has any Catholic relatives, that will get her for sure.
Ah, the things we think to say but can't.
Posted by: Ally | July 29, 2008 at 01:10 PM
What a great guy! Seriously hilarious post. Sorry for the tenant issues, though!
Posted by: Autumn | July 30, 2008 at 02:27 PM
Super funny!
Sadly, I know both sides of the renters stick.
As a looooong time ago, making $200 a month, almost getting evicted every thirty days sort of girl, I only replied to the phone calls of voice mails that were upbeat and sounding like they wanted to make things work. I guess the saying is true that you can catch more flies with honey, blah, blah, blah.
But it's still SO MUCH FUN to daydream!
Posted by: Amy | July 30, 2008 at 08:18 PM
While I now covet both your new house and your funny husband, I hate to Rain On This Parade, but in my experience, the folks that stiff you on rent don't usually have that thingy..erm what's it called...OH YEAH: A SOUL. Guilt does not work on these people. As a New Yorker, I Heatily recommend ABJECT FEAR AND DOMINATION. This has gotten me a lot of stuff: like trash removal and a discount at my local Starbucks. I would say you should get a bunch of magazine, cut letters out that spell the following:
Dear L-
You suck and I'm not gonna take it anymore. I have changed the lock. Pay this month and next if you ever want to see your stuff again.
Attaching this to the door with a steak knife I have also found to be quite efffective.
Posted by: Lorrie | August 03, 2008 at 02:46 PM
Changing the locks would'nt be such a bad idea. If you've given her 30 day notice.....I think you would be within your rights to change them. I hope it gets better for you. :o)
Your husbands letter was very funny! ;o)
Posted by: Julie | August 05, 2008 at 02:40 AM