Sometimes I feel like the house I live in is the only house that will ever be my home, at other times I feel like it is holding me back from becoming my best self.
The house was built in the early 1900's for one of the first women involved in Utah politics. A woman strong in her convictions, and tough as nails (you'd have to be, I imagine). She once said;
"Somehow I know that women who stay home all the time have the most unpleasant homes there are. You give me a woman who thinks about something besides cook stoves and wash tubs and baby flannels, and I'll show you, nine times out of ten, a successful mother."
Very intense, and progressive for a 19th century woman living in Utah. Although the house has been completely remodeled, I have preserved the bullet hole in the front window that was a botched attempt at taking her life. The house passed through more than several owners from the 1920's on, including an architect who added a second story and managed to have the home featured in Better Homes and Gardens, and a struggling family who, after some financial difficulties, lost the home through foreclosure.
I bought the home in 2003 from the bank - while I was just finishing college - and immediately started talking to architects about my grand plans for a full restoration. The next year was full of growing up and life changes as I switched careers from a substance abuse counselor/bartender (oxymoron, I know) to Realtor, became engaged, and began remodeling the house. My fiancee, Tim, and I spent hours, no days, scouring magazines, and stores for the perfect finishes. No expense was spared, and everything I wanted (within reason), he built for me. I loved this house so much and was so excited to be part of it's history that it only made sense to have our wedding reception here. I'll never forget the painters cleaning up, and walking down the driveway as the first of our reception guests arrived.
Unfortunately, our dream life was short-lived and Tim and I divorced 2 years later. He was extremely gracious, and generous in the split and not only walked away from the home, but left all of the furnishings as well. At the time, this was a godsend. The transition and reality of divorce is so painful that I was grateful to have the comfort of my home, and things, to ground me.
And now, here I am. A completely different person than I was 5 years ago when I bought this home. A newlywed embarking on a new life that barely resembles the former. I've been able to let go of so many emotions and things, but can't seem to wrap my head around giving up this place. This place...this home that has been my constant when everything else has not.
Jess and I have just found a house where we would like to begin our life together. Our life, Our place, with no baggage, or reminders of the past. And while I'm excited for the future and everything it holds, I'm not quite certain of how to let go of this place and it's past...my past...without letting go a little lot bit of me.
I'm shocked that you are selling McClelland! But excited for you and your new chapter, I'm sure you'll take the spirit of the place with you wherever you go. Can't wait for details on the new diggs!
Posted by: Ally | July 23, 2008 at 01:12 PM
What a journey you have had in just five short years. You should be proud of all you have been through and accomplished. Isn't life funny?
Your house is such a cool place with so much history...both your own and others'... but moving to a new place will be a great thing too. A clean slate, and you'll always have the house to remember.
So congrats on finding a new house! I want to hear more... Where is it?
Posted by: Mel | July 23, 2008 at 01:23 PM
Oh, it makes me sad to think of you leaving your house! That would just be one more cool person leaving McClelland St. But I understand wanting something that is your own together.
Where is the new place? I want to see, where is it? Post the MLS link or some pictures.
Posted by: Holly Thatcher | July 23, 2008 at 03:10 PM
wow - i so relate to this post in too many ways to reveal. my house is a 1919 bungalow. a little miracle.
in divorce in 98 - before re-marrying. the house i lived in then, built in 1960, took care of me and was very hard to leave...gave a whole new meaning to the word "shelter."
Posted by: jenx67 | July 23, 2008 at 05:44 PM
Wow, that is a lot to take on, but I am sure it will feel great once you have moved on.
I pass by a house, almost everyday, I see a for sale sign, Brown Realty Group, think of you. And I am pretty sure I saw your 4 runner? there the other day.
I wonder if this is the house you are talking about??? Hmmmmmmm....cute house.
Posted by: Nicole | July 23, 2008 at 06:29 PM
Can't wait to see what you do. A woman with your strength will always do the right thing. tell us about the new house??
Posted by: Rinna | July 24, 2008 at 11:38 PM
Home is where the heart is and your heart is with Jess. No matter where you live, no matter where you are, you will always have what you need to find comfort and to find your "home." All of that was inside of YOU and not in the things you surrounded yourself with. Just think, the home that you built, the home your poured yourself into, will be the home that someone else will use as the next stepping stone in his/her life. :)
Posted by: Abby | July 25, 2008 at 10:40 AM
As Billy Joel wrote:
If I travel all my life
And I never get to stop and settle down
Long as I have you by my side
There's a roof above and good walls all around
You're my castle, you're my cabin and my instant pleasure dome
I need you in my house 'cause you're my home
Posted by: Lorrie | July 25, 2008 at 03:25 PM
i just had to tell you that i had to come back to your blog and read the cowboy entry to my husband. we were having a discussion about authentic blogs - undiscovered blogs. anyway, i found you through an ad. wanted you to know it was money well spent.
Posted by: Jenx67 | July 27, 2008 at 09:58 AM
I love and appreciate how raw and honest you are in this post and throughout your entire blog thus far. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Just remember this, you will be truly blessed and happy--you and Jess together--no matter where you go. How awesome it is that you two have each other to make anew-- a great life together no matter what the walls look like and even if the roof leaks and the basement floods. Cling to each other always and you will find your comfort, your home.
Posted by: Autumn | July 27, 2008 at 04:36 PM
the weirdest thing is that someone is leaving comments on your post in my name - in addition to the real comments by me. too weird. why would some be such a freak and do that? maybe there is something worng with your navigation? I've never seen your 4runner.
Posted by: JENNIFER!!! | July 28, 2008 at 08:28 AM
If all the stars aline, then you will know that moving forward to the new house(which is awsome by the way) is the right thing to do. I know how much you love McClelland but the new house fits you and Jess and in time you will love it as you love McClelland. It will become your home. Thanks for warming our hearts.
Posted by: Emily | July 28, 2008 at 12:35 PM