SoulMoxie

Sad Day

The skiing world lost one of it's best yesterday in a ski-base accident in Italy. Shane McConkey was one of my favorite skiiers and an all around great guy. There are few people I would rather serve a beer.

They All Can't Be Great

This past weekend I had a half marathon. One of my favorite runs that includes more than 5 thousand people running down a picturesque highway with red rock on all sides into the small town of Moab, Utah. Unfortunately, this year I was sick.

 

The weather is always perfect this time of year in Moab. 75 degrees and sunny. I am always excited and nervous as we load up on the buses that shuttle us the 13.1 miles away from town. Unfortunately, this year I was sick.

 

I usually stretch at the start, apply body glide to prevent chafing and pee no less than 4 times - usually behind bushes with Jess standing guard because I have an irrational fear of portable toilets. I usually relish every one of these activities. Unfortunately, this year I was sick.

 

I usually take off from the start with adrenaline going strong carrying me easily through to mile 6 where I refuel on a substance called "goo" that strangely enough tastes and looks exactly as it sounds. Unfortunately, this year I was sick.

What does a sick half marathon look like? Not pretty. To give you the complete story, I should probably back up to Thursday night when I went to dinner with some of my favorite client's after not eating all day. When my General Tso's Chicken arrived, it was all I could do to use a fork instead of just sticking my face in and inhaling as fast as I could. 3 hours later, my face was closer to the bowl of my toilet than it had been to my chicken.

Friday night, I had the same experience...hmmm...could this have something to do with this? It seemed that every time I ate anything resembling food my body was all ... wait a minute, we don't do that anymore...go chew on some grass...

Saturday morning I woke up starving, but was terrified to eat more than a banana - for obvious reasons. As our shuttle bus stopped at the point where the 5 mile run began, I seriously considered getting off. I was sick, after all? I was exhausted from puking 2 days in a row...I was starving...My body had turned on me...Was there any shame in running 5 miles rather than 13.1?  As I was debating all of these things in my head, the bus pulled away and I was doomed to run 13.1 miles.

As we pulled into the starting point, I honestly didn't know if I could run. I have completed multiple half marathons and had never felt like this. I was already nauseated and I hadn't even begun...What if I passed out on the course?... Even worse, what if I vomited on myself?... I'd rather pass out than have throw up all over me...If I had a stomach bug, what if it manifested itself in other ways?...I looked around for race volunteers...I definitely needed to discuss my options...

To Be Continued...(For Part two of this story, click here)

As If I Have Nothing Better To Do Than Pull A Fast One Over On Them

My conversation, this very second, with my cell phone company.

"I have been charged $70 in roaming charges"

"yes, ma'am?"

"But my plan is nationwide unlimited"

"Well ma'am, it appears that you left the country"

"Pardon? It appears? I'm telling you that I absolutely did not leave the country"

"Are you sure ma'am? Because I have you all over Canada"

"Yes, I am positive that I did not leave the country - by boat, bridge, or air"

"hmm"

"I was in Detroit, which is close to Canada, but I, by no means, was "all over Canada", in fact I never set foot in Canada"

"Oh yes, I see now... I can absolutely help you with this.  Will you please hold?"

(I love that they ask if you mind holding - is it really a question? No. It's a statement.)

........8 minutes later......

"ma'am, are you still there?"

"yes"

"I've figured out your situation and have great news"

"Great"

"I understand that you weren't in Canada, but you were so close to Canada that your cell phone was using Canadian cell towers"

"Yes, I get that"

"Well, to us that is the same as being in Canada"

"But I was never in Canada"

"I understand ma'am, but your cell phone doesn't understand that"

"So I am being charged $70 because my cell phone thought it was in Canada even though I was clearly on USA soil"

"Yes, ma'am, Isn't that interesting?"

"Not really. May I talk to your supervisor?"

From The Depths Of Hunger...Or Damn Isagenix Cleanses

The other night I had this brilliant idea that I would start a 9 day cleanse. A 9 nine day cleanse that involves 4 days of absolutely no food, and 5 days of very limited food. This was on my way home from Arby's, mind you. Over curly fries and a roast burger (very good, by the way) I pitched the idea to my husband who responded with his eyes rolling to the back of his head. "I'm dead serious about this" I pleaded, as I smashed up the grease-laden brown paper bag that our saturated fat had come delivered in. Note to self: A hunger strike always sounds more attractive when you've consumed a week's worth a fat and sodium content in one sitting.  So, began the hell I have been enduring ever since.

This wasn't completely blind. I have been considering doing a cleanse for a couple of years now and just happened to have purchased one last February. Unfortunately, by the time it arrived in the mail, I had lost motivation. Sunday, when the idea hit, I was completely prepared to deprive my body of any digestive joy it is accustomed to.  

It is Tuesday now and I haven't had food in approximately 48 hours, unless you count lemons as food. I do not.

I am doing the Isagenix cleanse. They assure me that I will reap many benefits from doing this cleanse; weight loss, increased energy, and better sleep amongst them. Currently, I have a headache, find it hard to hear anything over the rumble of my belly and am generally pissed off. hmm. Oh and am extremely irritable and have the worst breath EVER. And my poop is green and the consistency of tar. The Isagenix people claim that this is the body's way of ridding itself of toxins. I don't buy it. I think they put "stuff" in their stuff so us laymen think we are ridding our bodies of toxins. Just saying.

The highlight of my day was getting a massage. I casually mentioned to the massage therapist that I hadn't eaten in the past 2 days, half expecting her to fall to her knees offering up prayers of praise. She casually mentioned that she does them once a season for at least 10 days and that maybe, just maybe, I should consider a longer cleanse. It took everything in me not to claw her eyes out. Who does she think she is, anyway? And to speak this way to someone who hasn't had so much as an apple in days?  Then she suggested that I stop using deodorant...she dabs apple cider vinegar on her armpits every morning and it's WAY better for the body.

This is when I decided that I may never be able to compete with her lengthy cleanses, but I would always smell better. So there.

Pleased To Meet You

I have been wanting to do this "25 random things" thing for sometime, so here goes. 

1. My first car was a 1985 Buick Electra named Betsy that I bought for a dollar. It fit 7 girls comfortably and most weekends it could be seen driving around my small town causing trouble.

2. When I was 5, my dad was my favorite person in the world. At 16, he disowned me. Now that I'm 29, we are best friends. Go figure.

3. I have known 2 murderers in my life and 1 killer. What's the difference? A killer gets paid to do what he does.

4. I fight dirty. It takes everything in me to not be hurtful during a fight. Not one of my finer qualities.

5. I am stubborn to a fault. I once rode on top of a car (while my dad was driving) in the middle of winter to prove that I wasn't cold. I was freezing.

6. Detroit will always be home to me.

7. I love flour taquitos with chocolate milk.

8. On any given night I would rather be dancing...or singing karaoke.

9. When I feel safe and happy I pinch hands. When I was little I pinched my parent's, now I pinch my husband's.

10. I loved bartending! My patrons loved me, but I was not a good employee - I didn't like to charge for drinks and often didn't.

11. My dog has been the one constant in my life during the past 10 years. It breaks my heart to think he won't always be around.

12. I think it's funny when my husband tells me that he's not mad, but exasperated with me.

13. I was once dumped by a guy who said he prayed about me and God said no. This accelarated my departure from the Mormon church.

14. I love my job selling houses and can't see why I would retire. Ever.

15. I've had 4 tragedies happen around me in the past 6 months. I have learned an appreciation for life that I didn't have before.

16. Patsy Cline is my favorite singer. I've read every biography, heard every song, and have spent a lot of time driving to different cities to watch impersonators. The pinnacle of this experience was seeing a Patsy Cline impersonator in Nashville at the Ryman Auditorium where Patsy herself often performed.

17. I hate laundry. It boggles my mind. It is constant and unrelenting. How is there so much?  So often? Just the thought of it overwhelms me.

18. I enjoy running, skiing, biking, climbing, canyoneering, surfing, and hiking, but am not especially good at any of these. Thank god, enthusiasm counts for something.

19. I once taught spanish in a local high school. Now, I barely speak the language.

20. My coolest jobs include working at a methadone clinic, and a temporary job serving elephant ears at the St. Clair County fair. I LOVED both.

21. My best friends and I formed an adventure club in 4th grade. We wore matching outfits, drafted top secret contracts, and spent a lot of time jumping out of 2nd story windows.

22. I once didn't wear deodorant for 10 days. Biggest mistake of my life.

23. My kindergarten teacher told my parents that I had a problem with "daydreaming". This has yet to go away, but I fail to see how daydreaming and problem can exist in the same sentence.

24. I admire people who take artistic license with anything in their life.

25. I made Hamburger Helper the other night. It was disgusting. I rinsed off the ground beef and am going to reuse it tonight in spaghetti sauce. It IS a recession, people.

The Hiatus Is Over

Hello. Are you people still there? I'm ready to be back, but have so much tell you about... that...that...I'm worried about the written diarrhea that will spew out of your computer and on to your lap. Sorry, that wasn't a pleasant visual.

Working on a post for tomorrow...just had to break the ice...